I experienced the festival opulence of the $2,000 Outside Lands VIP pass

Anyone who has ever been to a music festival knows that using the bathroom is an annoying chore at best, and at worst, a test of how long you can hold your breath and bladder.

However, on Saturday afternoon at Outside Lands, armed with my Golden Gate Club wristband, that experience was “elevated.” Instead of waiting to exhale, I breathe deeply as I cleanse my hands in the spacious lavatory trailer with mid-tier designer soap (Public Goods, if you must know). Then I spritzed myself with a facial mist that smelled like fresh sheets from a boutique hotel.

A wristband that allows entry to this luxurious bathroom, as well as a host of other perks including front of stage access, costs $1,995 for one day, plus fees (general admission is $175). I was given media access to this exclusive wonderland in order to experience the grandeur, and report back to you, the reader who is likely spending that amount of money on a month’s pandemic-reduced rent in a one-bedroom San Francisco apartment ($2,341). Or if you’re feeling spontaneous, a flight to Tokyo on one day’s notice ($1,975 round-trip).

Behind Outside Lands’ golden gates

The most visible perk is access to a lounge that’s located literally above the regular VIP area ($395/day), a second-story open-air palace overlooking the Lands End stage. The walls of the Golden Gate Club were draped in plush curtains, with couches that look pulled from a “Bridgerton” set. The atmosphere was created by esteemed interior designer Ken Fulk, whose name presumably means something to people with two grand to spend to see Post Malone (who admittedly exceeded my expectations).

While hanging out in this area, I munched on “free” caviar and soft-shelled crab BLTs and golden lattes, plus of course some signature martinis prepared by a bartender from my favorite local cocktail bar, True Laurel. There were wine tastings and mezcal tastings and mushroom-cactus tincture tastings, so very many tastings, for an estimated 200 guests a day with very refined tastes.

As fun as it would be to dunk on the unique breed of rich San Franciscans surrounding me, the crowd didn't give me much to tweet about. The Golden Gate Club was full of influencers dressed in either all black or all white, rock and roll Branson-Bezos CEO-types, wine moms treating themselves, and most curiously, bored teens. Several bartenders told me the patrons were less sloppy than those in GA, and the tip jars were stuffed with $20s (maybe that was the reason for the kind words).

My first question was why someone would spend so much money for a wristband for their kid, who can’t even enjoy a Martini Del Mar (Gray Whale gin, lo-fi dry vermouth, seashore tincture). The answer, which I’ll delve more into later, is that in the year 2022, music festivals are a young person’s game. 

A music festival super power

Once you’re a few years out of college and have seen most festival-caliber bands before, the inconvenience of a music fest overshadows the fun. When you can stream Phoebe Bridgers from your couch (or catch her at an afterparty at the Independent), there’s much less appeal to being on your feet for eight hours to pretend not to cry in a crowd of 75,000 strangers.

The practical value of the Golden Gate Club pass is that it removes the uncomfortable friction that leads music fans of a certain age to tap out of the festival circuit. It doesn’t pay for Uber surge prices, but otherwise every pain point is alleviated — there’s a private entrance/exit, coat check, charging stations, wifi and a concierge with easily forgotten fest essentials like sunscreen (SPF 50, no less).

For me, aside from the bathrooms, the most impressive part of the whole experience was “Mr. Fulk’s Wild Ride.” This is not a Disneyland attraction, but rather the ultimate festival superpower: a golf cart. Simply hail a concierge in a green jacket and they will call a ride for you, which will zip around on paths behind the stages.

Anyone who has clocked 35,000 steps in the past two days knows that the lengthy walks between stages means you’ll miss a few acts due to time and energy constraints. But thanks to these Wild Rides, you can make it from Lands End to Twin Peaks in 10 minutes flat, allowing a (very rich) mortal to achieve the impossible: see both SZA and Phoebe Bridgers. And what’s more, the cart essentially drops you in the front row of the stage, in a fenced-off area complete with a cooler of “free” beers.

Welcome to paradise

When Green Day started playing around 8 p.m., the borrowed privilege of my golden ticket finally sunk in. The 17-year-old version of me that crowdsurfed in a “Nimrod” t-shirt at a Green Day show in Austin, Texas would be very confused. Instead of watching from the front row, I spent most of the set sitting in my kingly perch in the Golden Gate Club, sipping a surprisingly enjoyable golden latte while looking down upon the largest crowd I’ve ever seen.

The sound was fabulous thanks to a personal PA speaker hanging behind me, and I wasn't mad about a plush couch after all those steps. Watching from above as Billie Joe Armstrong commanded the sea of fans to hold their cell phone lights in the air was legitimately one of the most memorable moments in decades of concerts.

When I sauntered out of the club and down to the other significantly cheaper tier of VIP viewing area, I had plenty of room and still felt close enough to the stage — but as a teenager, I would've wanted to be as close to the stage as possible. Thinking back to the Austin Music Hall show made me realize the appeal of blowing a bag on a ticket for a child. There’s nothing that would’ve made my parents bigger heroes than flagging down a golf cart to take me directly to the front row. And from an adult’s perspective, the exclusive access assuages the fear that their kid might end up in an unsafe situation (like for instance, a Central Texas mosh pit). 

I hope you had the time of your life

Aside from a priceless parenting flex, is this $2,000 ticket worth it?

When it comes to the bottom line, even a GA experience is going to cost at least $300 a day if you’re eating and drinking and Lyfting. Spending $500 wouldn’t be out of the question if you want to take home a cute OSL blanket or visit Grasslands. That extra thousand dollars gets you lambchop sliders and mezcal margaritas, the ability (and energy) to see more bands, front row access, and perhaps most importantly, those luxuriously clean bathrooms.

So after all this, would I — a person who has absolutely no financial ability to buy this level of ticket — consider buying this level of ticket? If the lineup was co-headlined by Frank Ocean and Brian Eno, and I had just found a cartoon sack of cash on the sidewalk, sure. The Golden Gate Club pass made Outside Lands feel like a leisurely getaway, rather than an exhaustingly fun day soundtracked by future pop stars and my inner teen's favorite punk band. That frictionless experience might be worth the cost of an airplane flight upgrade, however there's no way I'd pay the price of a full vacation.

But the next time I go to a festival, I’ll be sure to bring my own facial spray, and bask in the affordable luxury of a rosemary-scented mist.