12 Signs of a Bad Marriage, According to Relationship Experts

All marriages have their ups and downs, but if yours is beginning to take a toll on your mental and physical health, it may be time to reevaluate if it’s the right one for you. “If a person stays in any long-term relationship in which their needs are being grossly undermet, they will experience some symptoms of anxiety or depression,” says marriage therapist Virginia Williamson. 

She further notes that anxiety can show up as gastrointestinal issues, heaviness in the chest, or heart palpitations, while depression could lead to weight gain or inexplicable lethargy (though people do manifest symptoms in different ways). And while all relationships hit rough patches, experiencing these feelings—and their physical symptoms—over a prolonged period of time might be an indication that something bigger is amiss. That's why it's truly important to look out for the signs of a failing marriage, in order to recognize if you are keeping yourself in an unhealthy situation.

Ahead, we put together a list of the top 12 signs of a bad marriage and what to do if you find yourself in this type of union. 

The Top 12 Signs of a Bad Marriage

According to award-winning, licensed psychologist Dr. Charmain F. Jackman, a bad relationship is simply one that is unhealthy. "In this relationship, one or all partners that exhibit a lack of respect for each other, have trouble engaging in positive communication, and may have no interest in being together," she explains. So if you begin to notice the below telltale signs that your relationship is moving into an unhealthy place, it might be time to think about if and how you'd like to move forward in your relationship.

You feel contempt for your partner.

This extreme feeling of loathing or disgust is different from being annoyed by certain behaviors in certain situations. It often includes eye-rolling and huffing in conversation and dismissing or invalidating almost all of what the other person has to say, regardless of the circumstances. “At its worst, contempt looks like one or both partners are crawling out of their skin having to be in each other’s company, and it’s clear they cannot see a single good thing in the other,” says Williamson.

Though you might feel that contempt is deserved—especially, if, say, your spouse has had an affair—it can be a relationship killer if not eventually addressed. “Couples that show contempt for one another consistently have a low likelihood of successfully repairing their relationship, unless they can begin to recognize it and change the pattern,” Willamson adds. But if you cannot acknowledge the good qualities your partner possesses independent of your marital struggles—that they’re a great parent, friend, or professional, for example—then you may have reached the point of no return.

Your partner makes you feel bad about yourself.

“Researcher John Gottman, who has studied couple interactions for many years, outlines that there should be five positive interactions to every one negative interaction in healthy relationships,” says Williamson. So, if you and your partner are experiencing far more negative interactions than positive ones, this might be an indicator that you're in an unhealthy union. Confront your partner about the issues caused directly by their behavior, especially if that behavior involves harsh criticism, name-calling, or minimization of your feelings or experiences. “Make a clear and assertive request for it to stop,” adds Williamson.

You feel controlled by your partner.

“In a healthy relationship, both partners should have the ability to influence the other’s perspective, and each partner should be open to the other’s influence safely,” says Williamson. “Your partner should be able to help you see things from their point of view and then you should have the freedom to either alter or maintain your position and vice versa.” But if your spouse limits your options or manipulates your choices, that is an indication they don’t view you as an equal.

This control can be overt and come in the form of limiting access to finances or financial information, asking for access to your phone or personal communications, deciding who you can and cannot speak with, and blocking opportunities (like, say, refusing to take on childcare duties during an important job interview). It can also be more subtle, in that they might constantly second-guess you or indicate you’re not equipped to handle new ventures you’d like to take on.

You remain married only to minimize negative impacts on your family.

“It’s normal to think about how others will respond to your choice, but it should not be at the top of the list of what’s keeping you there,” says Williamson. If you’re staying in your marriage to minimize negative impacts on your family, your children, or even your partner, you aren’t taking good care of yourself—and that can show up in ways that could be even more painful for those you’re trying to protect down the line. “Bottom line: If over an extended period of time, you have to convince yourself of reasons to stay, it’s time to explore the possibility of what it means to go,” Williamson adds.

You might be having an emotional affair.

While it’s totally normal (and healthy!) to seek validation and connection outside of your marriage, it’s important to maintain boundaries that are respectful of your spouse. “Some factors that might point to an emotional affair are if you feel you have to repeatedly hide your interactions with the person you are venting to, if you find yourself spending a good amount of time and mental energy on that person, or if you are de-prioritizing your marriage in order to make more room for this person in your life,” says Williamson.

Your partner has an untreated mental health condition.

"In the U.S., over 20 percent of people are diagnosed with a mental health condition each year. As a result, we can expect that many marriages have at least one partner with a mental health condition," shares Dr. Jackman. "While being diagnosed with a condition such as depression, anxiety, eating disorder, or addiction does not contribute to a bad marriage, having a partner who refuses to engage in support to address their mental health condition can put a strain on the marriage." She further adds that "Having a partner with an undiagnosed or untreated mental health condition can cause marital stress and contribute to unhealthy communication."

You’ve stopped arguing entirely.

Conflict is tough in any relationship and can take a high emotional and physical toll if it’s happening all the time. But it can also be an opportunity to air the frustrations that need mending, and, in its own way, show that both partners are still invested enough to hash things out. If you’re avoiding conflict entirely because you’re afraid of how your partner handles arguments or because you don’t think it’s worth the energy, that can be a sign of a failing marriage.

Your body language shows disinterest.

The way we speak without words can contain a multitude of messages. In her counseling sessions, Williamson looks for physical cues to indicate that couples are still capable of tenderness toward one another, even when difficult matters are being discussed. “If couples still turn toward each other on their own, sit in close proximity, or turn to talk to one another without being directed to, that can indicate that there is still a desire for connection,” she says. “Similarly, if one person becomes tearful and the other reaches for their hand, knee, or shoulder to provide comfort, it shows that they are still affected by their partner’s feelings.” If, however, a couple turns their bodies away from one another when speaking or they do not reach out when their partner is experiencing a difficult moment, it can be a sign that they are no longer invested in the relationship.

Your partner complains to others about you.

Communication is key in every marriage, and it's important for you and your partner to keep the lines of communication open in order to cultivate and maintain a healthy relationship. If you or your partner begin to routinely discuss your issues outside of your union, however, instead of speaking to each other to resolve the problems, this is a sign of a bad marriage. "Unfortunately, some partners have unhealthy communication styles and instead of talking to you about problems they are having, they will routinely complain to a family member or friend," shares Dr. Jackman. "It becomes a big problem if the partner only gives a skewed (on their side) version of events in order to get their confidante to side with them, and an even bigger problem if this third party comes to you to address the issue."

Dr. Jackman further explains, "While checking with others to get perspective about your contribution to a problem can be healthy, relying on other people to resolve the issue for you is not. Bringing in other people who are not trained to work with couples in healthy ways can actually cause more harm. In addition, it can make it awkward or challenging if this outside party starts to harbor ill will towards the other partner because they only hear about the problems in the relationship. If you are going to bring in a third party, opt for seeking a trained couples or marriage and family therapist to help."

Your partner shames you about your sexuality.

"Everyone has a different history of how they learned about sexuality, how their family handled it, how early and how much choice they had over those first experiences, and how their sexual preferences developed over time," shares licensed psychologist, sex therapist, and couples therapist Dr. Carita Anderson. That said, Dr. Anderson does note that it's a red flag if your partner shames you about your sexuality and/or isn't willing or interested in "understanding what's happening for you and working together to find ways to maintain emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy over time."

You or your partner aren't supportive of the activities and practices that are replenishing.

A marriage involves the union of two different individuals experiencing life together. Meaning, it's very likely that you and your partner have your own likes, desires, hobbies, and activities separate from the marriage—interests that should be fully supported, if healthy and replenishing.

"Being in a long-term relationship, even a relatively happy one, can be hard. There must be an ongoing consideration of the other's needs and desires. You can't be responsible for making your partner happy, nor the opposite, so partners have to have time and space to do the things that leave them feeling good and satisfied with themselves," Dr. Anderson explains. "If those interests overlap, fantastic! If not, there should be some allowance for time away from each other. Recognizing who your partner is as a full human being goes a long way to being really intimate."

Your partner makes fun of you—in public.

Playful and flirty teasing in any relationship is normal, but you shouldn't have to endure your partner constantly making fun of you, especially if they are doing it in public. "If a partner makes it a sport to poke fun at their partner, especially in public, this can often be humiliating for the affected partner and for people witnessing the behavior. Being the subject of this behavior can feel humiliating and can devalue your sense of self," says Dr. Jackman. "This ploy of embarrassing you as a way to elevate their own sense of self can be damaging to the relationship. This lack of recognition of how these actions can be harmful can be a sign of a partner who lacks the ability to show empathy, overvalues their own self-worth, and exploits their relationships—behaviors typically seen in people with narcissist tendencies."

What to Do If You’re in a Bad Marriage

It can be overwhelming to realize your marriage is no longer what used to be, and coming to the conclusion that things will have to change is never easy. If you're unsure of what direction to go in once you've accepted that your marriage is failing, here are a few ways to begin moving forward.

Work with your partner to right the course.

More often than not, the biggest difference between a rough patch and an endpoint is a couple’s willingness to work through their problems. Drastic changes in a relationship are often the result of many small changes—like, say, greeting each other with eye contact at the beginning and end of each day instead of avoiding each other. These changes can make a world of difference, but they require concerted effort. If one or both members of the couple aren’t interested in doing the work, then they likely aren’t interested in salvaging the relationship.  

Seek outside and professional help.

The good news: You don’t have to do it alone! Couples counseling can help partners communicate better and work through issues. “Always seek help, which can be through a number of avenues: therapist, mentor, spiritual leader, life coach, and family or friends in relationships you view as strong,” says Williamson. “Do your own work as well, so you understand what emotional wounds you are coming to the table with, and, if you are in a safe relationship, offer love even when you don’t feel like it.” By continuing to talk to each other, with and without the help of an outside perspective, you’ll continue to create opportunities for real impactful change.

Start taking the steps necessary to move on.

By the time you’ve reached the point where you’re considering divorce, your partner should not be surprised by your dissatisfaction, so you do not have to spend hours justifying your decision. “Speak openly and genuinely about where you are in the relationship, and give yourself permission to leave the conversation if it becomes significantly unproductive, hostile, or abusive,” says Williamson, who often advises individual clients who have reached this stage to set up an informational consultation with an attorney or mediator, so they don’t put off the decision because they are intimidated or overwhelmed. “Speaking to someone with expertise helps you to better understand the process as well as what is likely and unlikely to occur,” she explains. 

From there, do your best to unwind yourself from the relationship in intentional, planned ways, and be respectful of how you share the news with the outside world. (Though it seems de rigueur for celeb couples to announce their separation on social media, you by no means have to—and especially shouldn’t do so before your partner has fully grasped what’s happening.) Also important is creating a consistent self-care routine during what will inevitably be a stressful time and seeking help from trusted sources, of both the professional and personal varieties, when necessary.